Вычислить манипулятора: 12 особенностей его поведения

«Какую паутину мы плетем, когда впервые на обман идем», — писал Вальтер Скотт в поэме «Мармион». «Мармион» рассказывает о любви, которой удалось уцелеть, несмотря на постоянную ложь, манипуляции и предательство двух интриганов. История, написанная два столетия назад, не потеряла актуальности, ведь человеческая природа, увы, остается неизменной.

Насколько было бы проще жить, если бы каждого эгоиста, обманщика, злостного манипулятора было бы легко разоблачить! Увы, они хорошо умеют скрывать свои настоящие намерения, и многие невинные люди попадают в ту самую «паутину», о которой писал в свое время сэр Вальтер Скотт.

Жертвы «пауков» оказываются в самых неожиданных неприятных ситуациях, и им приходится разгребать последствия чужого эгоизма. Чтобы не попасть в такую ловушку, важно заранее ее увидеть. Научившись видеть «паутину лжи» издалека, мы сможем обойти ее стороной, избежав множества неприятностей.

Как же выглядит эта «паутина» и «пауки», которые ее плетут? Вот 12 признаков, которые помогут выявить нечестных людей, обманщиков и манипуляторов.

1. Они скрывают истинные намерения. Если кто-то призывает других к откровенности, а сам не хочет многого рассказывать о себе, это повод насторожиться. Такой подход позволяет сначала узнать побольше о других, сблизиться с ними, чтобы потом использовать их в своих целях.

2. Они присваивают плоды чужого труда. Такой человек собирает информацию о чужих планах и проектах, старается выведать ценные сведения, приписывая все заслуги себе. Если кто-то активно интересуется делами окружающих, не исключено, что он просто хочет украсть чужую идею.

3. Они устраивают скандалы на пустом месте. Это простейший прием манипуляции: сделать заманчивое предложение или высказать необоснованные претензии. Таким образом обманщик провоцирует «жертву» на встречу, где он резко меняет тему разговора и «нападает» с совершенно другой, неожиданной стороны.

4. Они скрывают важную информацию. Ограничивая доступ к важной информации, манипуляторы ставят других в зависимую позицию, вынуждая их подчиняться.

5. Они задабривают вас подарками. Неожиданный подарок очень помогает расположить человека к себе. К тому же получивший подарок ощущает себя в долгу перед манипулятором. Помните, что подарок по определению — бескорыстный жест. Он вас ни к чему не обязывает.

6. Они заводят полезные связи нечистоплотными методами. Многие неискренние люди постоянно ищут новые полезные знакомства, которые могут пригодиться им в будущем. Обычно манипулятор предлагает взамен некие услуги или подарки, нередко незаконные или способные испортить репутацию. В будущем это может использоваться для давления или даже прямого шантажа.

7. Они стараются выведать ваши слабости. Еще одна тактика манипуляторов и интриганов — притворяясь друзьями, они стараются больше узнать о ваших слабых местах. Такой человек может в самый неожиданный момент задать какой-то вроде бы невинный вопрос, рассчитывая застать вас врасплох и получить откровенный ответ. Эта информация наверняка будет использована против вас.

8. Они набивают себе цену. Обманщики и манипуляторы любят исчезать из виду как раз в то время, когда они вам срочно нужны. Таким образом они пытаются повысить свою ценность в наших глазах. Обычно такой человек появляется в самый последний момент и решает проблему, зарабатывая себе репутацию «героя» и «спасителя». Иногда впоследствии оказывается, что и проблему он создал сам.

9. Они непредсказуемы. Постоянно меняя свои привычки и поведение, обманщик держит всех окружающих в постоянном напряжении, заставляя тратить много сил и времени, чтобы предугадать, чего от него можно ожидать.

10. Они притворяются глупцами. Часто умному интригану выгодно, чтобы его считали человеком недалеким. Это дает ему время оценить обстановку и подготовиться к «атаке», а также помогает скрыть истинные мотивы.

11. Они стараются стать любимчиками начальства. Начальникам особенно трудно распознать обманщиков среди подчиненных, даже если другие подчиненные все прекрасно понимают. Манипуляторы льстят начальству, беспрекословно подчиняются и часто изображают из себя жертву, надеясь, что босс встанет на их защиту. Разумеется, они стараются скрыть происходящее и все отрицают.

12. Они оставляют после себя одни «руины» и всегда перекладывают вину на других. Самый надежный метод выявить манипуляторов, обманщиков, интриганов — выяснить их прошлое. Если за ними тянется целый «шлейф» из жертв и «козлов отпущения», на которых они сваливают вину, это очень тревожный признак. Берегитесь тех, кто постоянно винит во всех проблемах кого-то другого.

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Как распознать манипулятора?

Манипуляторами принято считать людей, добивающихся своих целей окольными путями, за счет окружающих и часто им в ущерб. Как правило, манипуляторы не афишируют свои истинные намерения, поэтому ничего не подозревающей жертве потребуется время для того, чтобы осознать происходящее и вернуть себе контроль. Именно о таких людях повествуется в сериале «Танцы марионеток», который выйдет на телеканале «МИР» 18 мая в 12.50.

Как же распознать манипулятора – и, главное, противостоять ему?

Не показывать свои слабости

Манипуляторы смотрят на наши слабости и запросы и максимально используют их, говорит психотерапевт, психолог Павел Гаськов. Но люди часто сами демонстрируют свои нужды и потребности, за которые их легко «зацепить».

Манипуляции строятся на доверчивости, неумении отказывать, на каких-то невротических переживаниях жертвы из детства, говорит эксперт. В том числе, на тревожности. Если люди общаются на равных, не желая что-то вытянуть из другого, это один расклад. Если же с одной стороны существует какой-то запрос, требования, нужда, равновесие нарушается. Бывает и так, что оба партнера – невротики, требующие друг от друга эмоций, чувств, участия, внимания, присутствия, пытающиеся добиться этого любым путем, и тогда манипуляции носят взаимный характер.

По большому счету, все в чем-то нуждаются, но манипулятор умеет скрывать и камуфлировать свою нужду.  Вместо того, чтобы честно удовлетворить потребность другого, манипулятор попытается развести его «пожиже», не выполнив свою часть «сделки». Таким образом, манипулятор ловит жертву на ее собственные невротические или иные потребности.

Поэтому – дабы не пасть жертвой манипулятора, что в быту, что на работе – не нужно отчаянно нуждаться в чужих ресурсах. Ведь на том конце может оказаться некто, желающий сыграть на этой нужде в свою пользу.

Например, женщины, знакомясь с мужчинами, часто воспринимают каждого нового знакомого как последний шанс, вцепляются в них, и далее мужчины могут делать с ними все, что заблагорассудится. Поэтому к таким знакомствам нужно подходить, скорее, с позиции спортивного интереса, поясняет эксперт. То же касается поисков работы. Если у человека осталось в кармане полтора рубля, он с жадностью набросится на любую работу за копейки, не требуя со стороны работодателя ни достойного оклада, ни нормального оформления. Неудивительно, что работодатель будет воспринимать такого сотрудника соответственно и так же себя с ним вести, считает собеседник «МИР 24».

«Устраиваясь на работу, мы идем продавать себя, а не продаваться, как рабы. Приходят 10 соискателей, у каждого свой ценник. Кому-то достаточно 20 тысяч, и за них с ним можно делать что угодно. Это называется «продаваться». Часто люди в поисках работы, отчаявшись, идут именно продаваться, и за низкие расценки согласны целовать кому угодно что угодно. Заканчивается это тем, что ими будут манипулировать, поскольку они сами себя так оценили и сами согласились на эти условия», – говорит врач.

Унижение – такой же манипулятивный прием, как и чувство вины. Поэтому лучше не доводить себя до «последней черты», не складывать все яйца в одну корзину, максимально диверсифицировать личные опоры и ресурсы и всегда иметь массу подстраховок, чтобы не превращать любой процесс в единственную и жизненно важную панацею.

Коварный треугольник

Подобные отношения хорошо иллюстрирует треугольник Карпмана – психологическая и социальная модель взаимодействия между людьми, описывающая три часто используемые роли: жертвы, преследователя и спасителя. В условиях треугольника спаситель не помогает кому-то в чрезвычайной ситуации, а лишь изображает помощь, выгодную ему самому, исходя из собственных скрытых мотивов, либо даже тормозит решение проблемы и стремится усугубить ситуацию еще больше. При этом он наслаждается как чужим доверием и зависимостью, так и собственной благородной ролью, повышающей его самооценку и позволяющей избегать погружения в собственные проблемы.

В свою очередь, «жертву» отличает нежелание брать на себя ответственность и  убежденность в своей неспособности к самостоятельной жизни. Она всегда ищет «спасителя», к которому могла бы «залезть на шею», но часто притягивает «преследователя» (агрессора).

А вот для третьего игрока – «преследователя» – характерно стремление властвовать и доминировать над другими, в том числе, над жертвами. Преследуя других, они подавляют собственное подсознательное чувство никчемности, стыда и беспомощности. Они не берут на себя ответственность за создаваемый ими дискомфорт, так как считают, что жертвы заслужили подобное обращение. Их стиль – проповеди, угрозы, запугивания, нравоучения и открытые конфликты.

Три эти роли – жертва, преследователь и спаситель – могут поменяться местами: жертва превращается в спасителя или преследователя, спаситель переключается на преследование, или пытается выйти из ситуации и оказывается жертвой.

«Это как в игре «жена алкоголика»: муж пьет, жена его спасает, в итоге он звереет и начинает на ней отыгрываться. Все виноваты, кроме него. В жизни часто встречается то же самое. Например, начальник поручает рядовому сотруднику свою работу, безотказный сотрудник («жертва») не может сказать «нет», чем и привлекает агрессора-манипулятора, но когда у него накипает, он сам превращается в агрессора и преследователя. Или в отношениях между мужчиной и женщиной, где она работает, а он, как паразит, сидит у нее на шее», – говорит Гаськов.

Зрелая, самодостаточная личность тоже может вляпаться в отношения с манипулятором, но шансы вовремя распознать подвох и выйти из этой игры у нее гораздо выше.

Так или иначе, как только «жертва» распознает манипуляцию и пытается пресечь эти игрища, манипулятор становится жестким и агрессивным. Но останавливать подобные отношения необходимо, поскольку ничего, кроме деструктива, они не несут.

Сплошное притворство

Но как понять, что перед тобой – манипулятор?

Иногда распознать его вполне реально по активной и даже назойливой самопрезентации, поясняет собеседник «МИР 24». «Много слов, доминирование в общении, бахвальство, стремление выглядеть в приглядном свете, в гипертрофированном положительном ключе. В реальности он может оказаться совсем не тем, за кого себя выдает», – говорит эксперт.

Все это призвано впечатлить окружающих, вызвать их симпатии, которыми манипулятор дальше и воспользуется. Его задача – сыграть на чувствах и убедить всех вокруг, что играть на его стороне – большая честь.

Кстати, нарциссы-истероиды, склонные к шумным самопрезентациям и при этом желающие прогнуть окружающих на обслуживание своих интересов, тоже относятся к манипуляторам – но, скорее, неосознанным и относительно безопасным. Нарциссы говорят только о себе, сразу требуют к себе повышенного внимания, зациклены на своем – и потому их легко опознать. А более сложные манипуляторы могут приложить усилия, чтобы понравиться новым людям, начать взаимодействие, втереться в доверие, побольше о них узнать, нащупать их уязвимости и в дальнейшем их использовать, говорит врач. То есть первые шиты белыми нитками, а вторые скрывают свое намерение и потребность поживиться чужими ресурсами, притворяются полезными, контактными, открытыми.

Но встречаются еще более «продвинутые» манипуляторы, не похожие на своих «коллег». «Они более скрытные, у них много тайн, они живут во лжи, раскручивают эту ложь дальше, погружая в нее других. Таких людей очень сложно распознать», – поясняет Гаськов. Но многие из них действуют по тому же принципу: невыполнимые обещания каких-то благ со своей стороны в дальнейшем, при необходимости со стороны партнера вложиться в него прямо сейчас – вроде нигерийских скаммеров.

Часто манипуляторы используют в своих играх интимную сторону вопроса. «Женщины приходят на прием и говорят: «да, его слова и действия не совпадают, он такой-сякой, но интим у нас обалденный, из-за этого я не могу с ним расстаться»», – говорит врач.

Еще манипулятор пытается «завиноватить» другого или опустить его самооценку, чтобы, в итоге заставить плясать под свою дудку. Люди боятся чувствовать себя виноватыми – этот страх закладывается еще в детстве, когда «расстроить маму» было равносильно отвержению миром. Поэтому большинство людей и во взрослом возрасте стремятся быть «хорошими и управляемыми», чем и воспользуются манипуляторы.

«Что такое «критический родитель» в детско-родительских отношениях? Это агрессор, манипулирующий ребенком-жертвой. В этом случае все диалоги строятся на вопросах: зачем, почему, когда. Подобные вопросы сами по себе подразумевают, что человек начнет оправдываться, и такие манипуляции тоже надо понимать. Ни одобрения, ни похвалы, одни вопросы. Чтобы это пресечь, можно перейти в рациональный статус, или, например, отвечать вопросом на вопрос. «А почему ты об этом спрашиваешь?» Но, опять же, когда вскрывается любая игра, когда начинаешь пресекать манипулятора, нужно готовиться к его ответной агрессии», – подытожил психотерапевт.

90000 17 Warning Signs of a Manipulator-Never Get Deceived Again 90001 90002 17 Warning Signs of a Manipulator 90003 90004 Every one of us has come into contact with manipulators. Some have been abused for years without knowing. Spotting a manipulator is hard because they work at stealth frequencies. It’s a crime that leaves no fingerprints, but there is not any type of human behavior that you can not understand or predict. 90005 90004 Here are some early warning signs that will alert you to a manipulator in your life: 90005 90008 90009 Charm and Niceness 90010 90009 Denial 90010 90009 Lying 90010 90009 Generous with Favors and Gifts 90010 90009 Excessive Compliments and Flattery 90010 90009 Forced Teaming 90010 90009 Good First Impression 90010 90009 Pretending to be a Victim 90010 90009 Silent Treatment 90010 90009 Appearing to be Selfless 90010 90009 Guilt Tripping 90010 90009 Shaming 90010 90009 Intimidation 90010 90009 Gas Lighting 90010 90009 Rationalization 90010 90009 Diversio 90010 90009 Unsettling Stare 90010 90043 90002 1.Charm and Niceness 90003 90004 A manipulator may use charm to get power or sex. Charm comes easily to manipulators because they are ruthless and have no qualms about hurting anyone. A reasonably conscientious person might not use the dirty tricks to seduce someone-that a manipulator will eagerly do. 90005 90004 Manipulators are ardent students of human behavior. After spending some time with a person they find out about their needs and desires. Once they find out what you need they provide you with it to get you addicted or dependent on them.If someone is being very charming and alluring to you, think about, what that person could possibly want. Narcissists and psychopaths-the masters of manipulation-are very cruel once you fall in love with them. 90005 90002 2. Denial 90003 90004 Manipulators are experts at lying and denying. If someone hurts you and you bring attention to their bad behavior, but they deny it even though they clearly have behaved badly, then you should be on your guard.Don’t let their denial of bad behavior confuse you.90005 90004 Psychologist George K.Simon, a manipulation expert and author of the book In Sheep’s Clothing, 90055 elucidates, » This ‘who … .Me?’ Tactic is a way of playing innocent and invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of their behavior. It’s also the way the aggressor gives himself / herself permission to keep right on doing what they want to do. » 90005 90002 3. Lying 90003 90004 Lying is a manipulator’s most potent weapon. They have an impaired conscience, so they do not feel bad about lying.If there’s a chance to get what they want by lying, they most certainly will. 90005 90004 Manipulators usually lie in subtle, covert ways. Dr.Simon says that manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of information from you or by distorting the truth. 90005 90004 Effectively Catching a liar can be learned.So to detect early on, whether you are dealing with a manipulator or not, ask them direct questions about his or her employment, family, relatives, friends, place of residence, plans, and so forth .If they give vague, inconsistent or evasive replies to you, this should serve as a red flag. 90005 90002 4. Generous With Favors and Gifts 90003 90004 In the beginning of a relationship, a manipulator may be very kind, sympathetic and generous towards you. He may shower you with expensive gifts and favors, which you might interpret as an expression of his love or affection. But actually, he’s using them as a form of bribery to get even bigger favors later on. 90005 90004 So when a person showers you with gifts and attention, pay critical attention to the character and intention of that person.90005 90002 5. Excessive Compliments and Flattery 90003 90004 Psychologists Robert D.Hare and Paul Babaik in their book 90074 Snakes in Suits 90075 advise that » Excessive or incongruous compliments should be a signal for you to pay critical attention to what’s coming next. Ask yourself, ‘What does this person really want of me?’ » 90005 90002 6. Forced Teaming 90003 90004 It’s a strategy used by manipulators and con artists to create a sense of togetherness with their chosen victim, through the use of the word, «we.»90005 90004 The manipulator tries to project a shared purpose or experience with you, where none exist. He might use phrases such as «we’re some team,» «how are we going to handle this?» «Both of us,» «now we’ve done it,» etc. 90005 90004 How do you tell if someone is genuinely trying to be helpful or they are just manipulating you? Listen to your intuition. Do you feel uncomfortable while accepting help? Do you want to refuse but you can not because this will make you appear rude? If yes, then you are dealing with a manipulator.90005 90004 Women should NOT accept any offer of help that makes them feel uncomfortable. 90005 90002 7. Good First Impression 90003 90004 Skilled manipulators often make excellent impressions. They use captivating characteristics like impeccable manners, dazzling looks or a winning smile, etc. to distract people from their real intentions and message. We hardly buy a book after being impressed by its cover, but unfortunately, we take people at face value.With manipulators, you do not get what you see.90005 90004 A manipulator may give you a very good first impression, but the cracks in their mask will become apparent only after close observation or spending more time with them. 90005 90002 8. Pretending to Be a Victim 90003 90004 A manipulator may pretend as being a victim of circumstances or bad behavior of someone, as a result making you feel sympathy for him or her. 90005 90004 When a person tries to seek your sympathies, carefully observe that person to try to confirm that they are indeed a victim.90005 90004 So how to tell a false victim from a real one. 90005 90004 A false victim talks about the events that were abusive to them in a calm, cool, and detached way. They appear to get over the emotions of the abusive experience rather quickly, and they do not seem to dwell or obsess over the abusive experiences. 90005 90004 True victims need to reach out for support; it’s important for their survival. They seek therapy, God or other saving methods to restore their mental and emotional health.While talking about the abusive experience, they appear confused, jumpy, nervous and afraid. They may cry hysterically-urgency and emotion are in their speech. They do not have the cold, cool demeanor of a lying manipulator. True victims go through the grieving process-shock, denial, and anger to finally the stage of acceptance. 90005 90004 But manipulators pretending to be victims do not try to seek that kind of support. They do not need it because they were not abused. Manipulators pretending to be victims are not seeking kindness and compassion, but they are after a goal, so coolly and in control, they tell you their story.90005 90002 9. Silent Treatment 90003 90004 Getting » Silent treatment » is an early warning sign that you are dealing with a manipulator. It is a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval, and contempt are exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining silence. 90005 90004 Manipulators use silent treatment as a weapon to provoke you into doing something or make you feel less worthy by refusing to acknowledge even your presence. If an act of your behavior is not contributing towards the manipulator’s goal, they will use silent treatment as a punishment to communicate their displeasure.This is why Clinical psychologist Harriet Braiker identifies it as a form of manipulative punishment. 90005 90004 If it is a sadistic manipulator, then they might use silent treatment just to torture you. 90005 90004 Examples of silent treatment might be: 90005 90117 90009 A coworker openly talks to others but refuses to speak to you. 90010 90009 Your roommate is willing to talk to her friends on phone, or bring them in the room and talk to them for hours, but refuses to speak to you. 90010 90122 90002 10.Appearing to Be Selfless 90003 90004 Manipulators keep their intentions, ambitions, desire for power and domination well hidden, so in the first few meetings with a manipulator, you might find him / her to be a selfless and helpful person. 90005 90004 Dr. George K.simon explains, 90005 90129 90004 » Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It’s a common tactic but difficult to recognize.By pretending to be working hard on someone else’s behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their ambition, desire for power, and a quest for a position of dominance over others.» 90005 90132 90002 11. Guilt Tripping 90003 90004 Pay close attention to a person who often tries to make you feel guilty. Chances are, that person is manipulating you. 90005 90004 Manipulators are aware that other people have a different conscience, so they exploit the good nature 90074 90139 90140 90075 of their victims to keep them in self-doubting, guilt-ridden, anxious and submissive position. 90005 90002 12. Shaming 90003 90004 If you catch a person often saying insulting remarks or hurtful comments about your weight, family, appearance or employment, etc, then this should be taken as a warning sign-especially of a manipulative friend.Manipulators pay close attention to a person’s insecurities and weak points. If you are insecure about your weight or do not like the shape of your nose, they are quick to notice. If you have repeatedly failed an exam, they will make fun of you for it. Our success or physical appearance is not very much in our control so making fun of someone’s difficult situation shows the mean and predatory nature of the individual. They often try to pass off their offensive remarks as jokes, but if you pay close attention, your intuition will tell you that the jokes are not funny and have unfriendly overtones.It’s their secret attempt to put you down. So, what they gain by doing that? 90005 90004 Manipulators use shaming to make their victim feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, become submissive to them. It is a powerful tactic to create a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the victim, thus allowing the manipulator to maintain a position of dominance. 90005 90002 13. Intimidation 90003 90004 Manipulators usually use covert intimidation. Their threats are carefully veiled. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or you suspect them of manipulation, pay close attention to their non-verbal gestures, expressions, glances, and stares, when they talk to you.90005 90002 14. Gas Lighting 90003 90004 Perhaps not an early warning sign, but it is a powerful tactic used by manipulators. The term owes its origin to the play 90074 Gas Light 90075 and its film adaptations, after which it was coined. Since then the term has been used in clinical and research literature. It means twisting reality for a particular purpose. 90005 90004 A manipulator is a genius when it comes to twisting reality to serve their own purposes. It does not matter what the truth is, they have a way of ultimately showing you that it really is your own fault and that you are not seeing things clearly.By the time you accept their version of reality, you have become so mentally sick that you can not trust your own perceptions. 90005 90004 If someone questions your perceptions of reality, do not trust their opinion. 90005 90004 Always listen to your intuition. What it tells you about a person or a situation is right. 90005 90002 15. Rationalization 90003 90004 It is an excuse a manipulative person offers for engaging in hurtful or inappropriate behaviors. It can be an effective tactic especially when the explanation offered makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it.90005 90004 Rationalization serves three primary purposes: 90005 90117 90009 It removes internal resistance the manipulator might have about their harmful action. 90010 90009 It keeps others off their back. 90010 90009 If the manipulator can convince you they are justified in doing what they have been doing, then they are free to pursue their goals. 90010 90122 90004 I once had a friend who would sometimes behave very affectionately, but after a few hours or days would become very cold.I became sick of her hot and cold behavior. Whenever I would bring attention to her bad behavior, or I would avoid her, she would instantly sense that and would come to my room crying, telling me how busy and depressed she has been in the past few days. I would be moved by her tears and forgive her last week’s terrible behavior, but after a few days, she’d repeat the exact bad behavior. 90005 90004 Manipulators are fine actors. They can pretend to be a victim; they can cry a river whenever they want; they can fake love; they can fake joy or any other emotion.So carefully observe the actions of those who claim to love you, or who try to gain your sympathy by shedding tears. 90005 90004 It’s noble to be kind and gentle but select the receivers of your kindness VERY carefully. 90005 90002 16. Diversion 90003 90004 When you are trying to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior (that you consider bad or cruel), but someone changes the subject or dodges the issue, then this should alert you. You might ask yourself, «Why does not this person want to discuss it?» Dr.Simon points out that manipulators «use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off of their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas.» 90005 90002 17. Unsettling Stare 90003 90004 Many people believe that eyes are windows to the soul. Psychologist Robert D.Hare believes that eyes do provide some information about the person «particularly when the message they convey to others appears inconsistent with the individual’s facial expressions and verbal behavior.»In that case, a person should not ignore the information given by eyes. 90005 90004 Some people respond to the emotionless stare of a skilled manipulator with discomfort, while others feel hypnotized by them. 90005 90004 The eyes of the master manipulator, Grigori Rasputin has been remarked on by many people. According to Paul Kurlov, he had » piercing » eyes; to Tamara Karsavina his eyes looked like that of a maniac; Elena Dzhanumova wrote in her diary: » What eyes he has! You can not endure his gaze for long.’ «90005 .90000 15+ Signs of Emotion Manipulation 90001 90002 Emotional manipulators often use mind games to seize power in a relationship. 90003 90002 The ultimate goal is to use that power to control the other person. 90003 90002 A healthy relationship is based on trust, understanding, and mutual respect. This is true of personal relationships, as well as professional ones. 90003 90002 Sometimes, people seek to exploit these elements of a relationship in order to benefit themselves in some way. 90003 90002 The signs of emotional manipulation can be subtle.They’re often hard to identify, especially when they’re happening to you. 90003 90012 90002 That does not mean that it’s your fault — no one deserves to be manipulated. 90003 90015 90002 You can learn to recognize the manipulation and stop it. You can also learn to protect your self-esteem and sanity, too. 90003 90002 We’ll review common forms of emotional manipulation, how to recognize them, and what you can do next. 90003 90002 Being in your home turf, whether it’s your actual home or just a favorite coffee shop, can be empowering.90003 90002 If the other individuals always insists on meeting in their realm, they may be trying to create an imbalance of power. 90003 90002 They claim ownership of that space, which leaves you at a disadvantage. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «Walk over to my office when you can. I’m far too busy to trek over to you. » 90030 90029 «You know how far of a drive that is for me. Come over here tonight. » 90030 90033 90002 Emotional manipulators may skip a few steps in the traditional get-to-know-you phase.They «share» their darkest secrets and vulnerabilities. 90003 90002 What they’re really doing, however, is trying to make you feel special so that you divulge your secrets. They can use these sensitivities against you later. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «I feel like we’re just connecting on a really deep level. I’ve never had this happen before. » 90030 90029 «I’ve never had someone share their vision with me like you have. We’re really meant to be in this together. » 90030 90033 90002 This is a popular tactic with some business relationships, but it can happen in personal ones, too.90003 90002 When one person wants to establish control, they may ask probing questions so that you share your thoughts and concerns early. 90003 90002 With their hidden agenda in mind, they can then use your answers to manipulate your decisions. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «Gosh, I never heard good things about that company. What was your experience? » 90030 90029 «Well you’re just going to have to explain to me why you’re mad at me again.» 90030 90033 90002 Emotional manipulators are masters at altering reality with lies, fibs, or misstatements in order to confuse you.90003 90002 They may exaggerate events to make themselves seem more vulnerable. 90003 90002 They may also understate their role in a conflict in order to gain your sympathy. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «I asked a question about the project and she came at me, yelling about how I never did anything to help her, but you know I do, right?» 90030 90029 «I cried all night and did not sleep a wink.» 90030 90033 90002 If someone overwhelms you with statistics, jargon, or facts when you ask a question, you may be experiencing a type of emotional manipulation.90003 90002 Some manipulators presume to be the expert, and they impose their «knowledge» on you. This is particularly common in financial or sales situations. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «You’re new to this, so I would not expect you to understand.» 90030 90029 «I know these are a lot of numbers for you, so I’ll go through this again slowly.» 90030 90033 90002 Also, in the business setting, emotional manipulators may try to weigh you down with paperwork, red tape, procedures, or anything that can get in your way.90003 90002 This is a particular possibility if you express scrutiny or ask questions that draw their flaws or weaknesses into question. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «This will be way too difficult for you. I’d just stop now and save yourself the effort. » 90030 90029 «You do not have any idea the headache you’re creating for yourself.» 90030 90033 90002 If you ask questions or make a suggestion, an emotional manipulator will likely respond in an aggressive manner or try to draw you into an argument.90003 90002 This strategy allows them to control your choices and influence your decisions. 90003 90002 They may also use the situation to make you feel guilty for expressing your concerns in the first place. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «I do not understand why you do not just trust me.» 90030 90029 «You know I’m just an anxious person. I can not help it I want to know where you are at all times. » 90030 90033 90002 If you have a bad day, an emotional manipulator may take the opportunity to bring up their own issues.90003 90002 The goal is to invalidate what you’re experiencing so that you’re forced to focus on them and exert your emotional energy on their problems. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «You think that’s bad? You do not have to deal with a cube-mate who talks on the phone all the time. » 90030 90029 «Be thankful you have a brother. I’ve felt alone all my life. » 90030 90033 90002 Someone who manipulates people’s emotions may eagerly agree to help with something but then turn around and drag their feet or look for ways to avoid their agreement.90003 90002 They may act like it’s ended up being a huge burden, and they’ll seek to exploit your emotions in order to get out of it. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «I know you need this from me. This is just a lot, and I’m already overwhelmed. » 90030 90029 «This is harder than it looks. I do not think you knew that when you asked me. » 90030 90033 90002 Critical remarks may be disguised as humor or sarcasm. They may pretend they’re saying something in jest, when what they’re really trying to do is plant a seed of doubt.90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «Geez, you look exhausted!» 90030 90029 «Well if you’d get up from your desk some and walk around, you would not get out of breath so easily.» 90030 90033 90002 Emotional manipulators will never accept responsibility for their errors. 90003 90002 They will, however, try to find a way to make you feel guilty for everything. from a fight to a failed project. 90003 90002 You may end up apologizing, even if they’re the one at fault. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «I only did it because I love you so much.»90030 90029″ If you had not gone to your kid’s awards program, you could have finished the project the right way. » 90030 90033 90002 When you’re elated, they find a reason to take the spotlight away from you. This can also happen in the negative sense. 90003 90002 When you’ve had a tragedy or setback, an emotional manipulator may try to make their problems seem worse or more pressing. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «Your pay increase is great, but did you see someone else got a full promotion?» 90030 90029 «I’m sorry your grandfather passed.I lost both of my grandparents in two weeks, so at least it’s not that bad. » 90030 90033 90002 Emotional manipulators may dismiss or degrade you without the pretense of jest or sarcasm. Their comments are designed to chip away at your self-esteem. 90003 90002 They’re meant to ridicule and marginalize you. Often, the manipulator is projecting their own insecurities. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «Do not you think that dress is a little revealing for a client meeting? I guess that’s one way to get the account.»90030 90029″ All you do is eat. » 90030 90033 90002 When they know your weak spots, they can use them to wound you. They may make comments and take actions that are meant to leave you feeling vulnerable and upset. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «You said you’d never want your kids to grow up in a broken home. Look what you’re doing to them now. » 90030 90029 «This is a tough audience. I’d be nervous if I was you. » 90030 90033 90002 If you’re upset, someone who is manipulating you may try to make you feel guilty for your feelings.90003 90002 They may accuse you of being unreasonable or not being adequately invested. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «If you really loved me, you’d never question me.» 90030 90029 «I could not take that job. I would not want to be away from my kids so much. » 90030 90033 90002 During a disagreement or fight, a manipulative person will make dramatic statements that are meant to put you in a difficult spot. 90003 90002 They’ll target emotional weaknesses with inflammatory statements in order to elicit an apology.90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «If you leave me, I do not deserve to live.» 90030 90029 «If you can not be here this weekend, I think it shows your level of dedication to this office.» 90030 90033 90002 A passive-aggressive person may sidestep confrontation. They use people around you, such as friends, to communicate with you instead. 90003 90002 They may also talk behind your back to co-workers. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «I’d talk about this, but I know you’re so busy.»90030 90029″ I thought it was better if you heard it from someone else, not me since we’re so close. » 90030 90033 90002 They do not respond to your calls, emails, direct messages, or any other form of communication. 90003 90002 They use the silence to gain control and make you feel responsible for their behavior. 90003 90002 This technique is meant to make you question your memory of events. 90003 90002 When you no longer feel certain about what happened, they can pinpoint the problem on you, making you feel responsible for the misunderstanding.90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «I never said that. You’re imagining things again. » 90030 90029 «I would not commit to that. You know I’m far too busy. » 90030 90033 90002 Manipulative individuals often have a reaction opposite of the person they’re manipulating. 90003 90002 This is especially true in emotionally charged situations. That’s so they can use your reaction as a way to make you feel too sensitive. 90003 90002 You then gauge your reaction based on theirs, and decide you were out of line.90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «You saw that everyone else was calm. You just got too upset. » 90030 90029 «I did not want to say anything, but you seemed a little out of control.» 90030 90033 90002 Gaslighting is a manipulative method with which people try to make you believe that you can no longer trust your own instincts or experience. 90003 90002 They make you believe things that did happen are a figment of your imagination. You lose a sense of reality. 90003 90002 For example: 90003 90028 90029 «Everyone knows that’s not how this works.»90030 90029″ I was not late. You just forgot what time I said I’d be there. » 90030 90033 90002 It may take time to realize someone is emotionally manipulating you. The signs are subtle, and they often evolve over time. 90003 90002 But if you think you’re being treated in this way, trust your instincts. 90003 90002 90277 Apologize for your part, then move on. 90278 You likely will not get an apology, but you do not have to dwell on it either. Own up to what you know you did as a matter of fact, and then say nothing of the other accusations.90003 90002 90277 Do not try to beat them. 90278 Two people should not play this game. Instead, learn to recognize the strategies so you can properly prepare your responses. 90003 90002 90277 Set boundaries. 90278 When a manipulative person realizes they’re losing control, their tactics may grow more desperate. This is the time for you to make some difficult decisions. 90003 90002 If you do not have to be near that person, consider cutting them out of your life entirely. 90003 90002 If you live with them or work together closely, you’ll need to learn techniques for managing them.90003 90002 You may find it helpful to speak to a therapist or counselor about how to handle the situation. 90003 90002 You could also recruit a trusted friend or family member to help you identify the behavior and enforce boundaries. 90003 90002 No one deserves to have another individual treat them in this manner. 90003 90002 Emotional manipulation may not leave physical scars, but it can still have a long-lasting effect. You can heal from this, and you can grow from it, too. 90003 90002 A therapist or counselor can help you recognize patterns that are dangerous.They can then help you learn ways to confront the behavior and hopefully stop it. 90003 90002 If you’re in the United States, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. 90003 90002 This 24/7 confidential hotline connects you with trained advocates who can provide resources and tools to help get you to safety. 90003.90000 How to Deal with a Manipulator Smartly 90001 90002 How to deal with a Manipulator; strategies 90003 90004 90005 The best way to deal with a manipulator is to avoid him 90006 90007 90004 The only truly effective method for dealing with a skilled manipulator is to disallow him from your life. If he is your husband, seek a divorce, if he’s a romantic partner, dump them, if it’s a friend cut them off and, if it’s a coworker keep your distance and avoid doing their work for them. 90007 90004 Do not worry you will not be hurting anyone’s feelings.Though it may seem otherwise but master manipulators do not have any feelings to hurt. 90007 90004 90005 Always stay calm and in control of your emotions 90006 90007 90004 When dealing with a master manipulator, it’s very important that you do not lose control over yourself. Manipulators attack you secretly in an underhanded way — this is very irritating and likely to provoke you to anger. Do not let this happen, because if you lose control over yourself, you will make yourself look bad and the manipulator good-making it easier for the manipulator to further his plans.Psychologists Robert D. Hare and Paul Babaik caution that » Do not take the bait. As hard as it may be, you should always remain cool and calm when being attacked, however unfairly. » 90007 90004 Do not react to their sick games. If a manipulator starts giving you silent treatments do not seek their attention. They will likely contact you themselves .Simply start to give very less attention or just leave with «Let me know when you feel like talking» and nothing else. Act like it is no big deal.Get busy with something else. If you let it affect you now, master manipulators will use this tactic again and again. 90007 90004 90005 How to handle a Master Manipulator; strategies 90006 90007 90004 90005 Do not try to change or improve the behavior of a master manipulator 90006 90007 90004 Skilled manipulators are carved in stone. You can not change them. You can only change your response, so do not waste your energies in trying to correct what’s beyond the level of correction. Fighting, losing battles will cause you depression and frustration.90007 90004 » At some point, most of us need to learn the important, if disappointing, life lesson that, no matter how good our intentions, we can not control the behavior -let alone the character structures— of other people. Learn this fact of human life, and avoid the irony of being caught up in the same ambition that he has-to control. If you do not desire control but instead want to help people, then help only those who truly want to be helped » advises Psychologist and author Martha Stout.90007 90004 90005 Never argue or confront the Master manipulator 90006 90007 90004 Master manipulators are very cunning and deceptive people, you can not be honest with them. Honesty and open communication, they simply do not understand. So do not waste your breath pointing out their bad behavior. They do not care about your words anyway, they pay attention to your actions.When you dump them it shocks them and hurts their confidence, when you increase your distance they realize that you are not the right victim.90007 90004 Manipulators are experts at covering their tracks, so if you complain about their bad behavior it will be very easy for them, to deny it or minimize their bad act.They might say that » ohh you are so sensitive, you are seeing things in a wrong way » or » it was just a joke ». 90007 90004 They will deny it, gaslight you and try to put the blame on you— causing more confusion. So, if you feel that a person has been treating you badly just silently increase your distance. The distance that you put between you and a manipulator should be in direct relation to how much hurt they have caused.90007 90004 Never tell them that you know their real nature or how they make you feel. Any knowledge that you give about yourself will be used against you. Conceal your feelings of hurt, pain and anger. Show them that you are unaffected by their games and they are not so important as to cause in you an emotional response. 90007 90004 Never threaten a manipulator. 90007 90004 90005 Do not believe in the excuses of a manipulator 90006 90007 90004 Master Manipulators use words to either conceal themselves or gain information, but never to express themselves.So, any explanation that they give you for their bad behavior is unlikely to be true.Don’t so naïve as to believe in the words of a person that you suspect as a manipulator. 90007 90002 How to handle a Manipulator; strategies 90003 90004 90005 Do not join the game 90006 90007 90004 If a person manipulates you — don’t start manipulating them. They will surely win because they have more experience than you. 90007 90004 During my research for a master degree I was working with a senior student.He was very manipulative and mean. He’d make me do his share of work also, besides making me feel guilty and inefficient. Sickened and annoyed I too played some mind games. I thought the situation would improve because I had now joined the game. But it turned from bad to worse. He became very suspicious of me. After all, none is more adept at detecting deception than a con man. Soon I needed his help to write an article related to my research work. He would not help me at all. I had to put in a lot of effort to get a little of his help.That article has still not published. 90007 90004 The wise course for me would have been to tolerate his bad behavior (while taking some protective measures like, not, showing emotions, complaining, apologizing) as long as I needed him and then increased the distance or completely have no contact. 90007 90004 So, resist the temptation to compete with an astute manipulator or outsmart him. Not only you will be lowering yourself to his level but also wasting your energies that should be spent on protecting yourself.90007 90004 Do not fight, outsmart or manipulate a master manipulator, just defend yourself. 90007 90004 90005 Let doubt be your friend 90006 90007 90004 Often people when dealing with a manipulator experience hurt and harm but are unable to identify the manipulator as problem and thus remain in doubt and confusion.manipulators attack covertly so it’s not easy to spot them.Master manipulators are good at faking love, concern and sympathy so when in doubt that someone’s the problem — Let doubt be your friend.90007 90002 How to handle a Manipulator; Preventive measures 90003 90004 90005 Despise favors, and free lunches 90006. 90007 90004 Manipulators use favors, gifts and free lunches as form of bribery — to make you more inclined towards giving them what they want. Avoid free lunches or generous favors so that you do not have to repay them later on. 90007 90004 90005 Know your insecurities and weak spots 90006 90007 90004 It’s bad enough that you can never be sure of what a manipulator is up to.But, being ignorant of your own wants, insecurities and weak spots can put you in double jeopardy. You must be sure of what you crave in life, what you do not have and, what you want to change. Being knowledgeable of your own weak spots can protect you from a manipulator. For example, if you suffer from acne and feel bad about your skin, you must never tell it to any person except to the one who can provide a solution-that person could be a family member or a doctor. Do not announce in public that you wish your skin was clear etc.Manipulative people are eager to collect information about things that cause pain and then use this knowledge to put you down. 90007 90004 You are in love with a person, hide this secret from friends, acquaintances or newly met people etc.You do not need to tell other people that you love a certain person. Love can be a weakness; any person can use this knowledge against you. 90007 90004 Once you are sure what your insecurities and weak spots are, try to hide them as much as you can. Dr.Hare advises, 90007 90004 » Your best defense is to understand what your weak spots are and to be extremely wary of anyone who zeros in on them.Judge such people more critically than you do those who do not seem to be aware of, or catering to, your vulnerabilities. If you are a sucker for flattery it’s certain to be written all over you, an engraved invitation to every unscrupulous operator looking around for fresh victims. 90007 90004 Basking in flattery, like sitting too long in the sun, can be pleasant at first but painful in the end. If you have a bit of larceny in your soul you are particularly vulnerable to schemes that are a bit shady.Lonely people with money are extremely easy targets .. ». 90007 90004 It is not easy to know yourself well. Self-examination, frank discussions with family and trusted friends, and professional consultation may help you in this regard. 90007 90002 How to handle a Manipulator; Preventive measures 90003 90004 90005 Evaluate new social encounters 90006 90007 90004 Every day we get to meet strangers, friends of friends and many other people that we have not met before. Master Manipulators are skilled at giving a good first impression.Unfortunately, we take them at face value. With manipulators what you see is not you get. If someone proves too good, try to prove yourself wrong. 90007 90004 you should take time to check out every new person that you get to meet, who may have financial, romantic or any other interest in you. 90007 90004 Psychologist Robert D. Hare recommends » Ask the individual about his or her friends, family relatives, employment, place of residence, plans and so forth ». 90007 90004 A master manipulator will give you vague, evasive or inconsistent replies about their personal lives.Be suspicious of such replies and try to verify them. 90007 90004 Hare explains that it’s very easy to do 90007 90004 » For example, several years ago a woman I know became romantically involved with a man she’d met at her church. He appeared to be well connected and to have impeccable credentials, and he said he was a graduate in business administration from a well-known eastern university. She considered investing heavily in a business venture he was promoting. When I met him I told him that we were graduates of the same university, but he was evasive about his experiences there, always managing to change the subject.My suspicions aroused, I did some checking and learned that he had never been a student at my university. Further investigation revealed that he was a swindler, wanted in several countries. He skipped town, leaving my friend disillusioned by the experience and angry at me for destroying her fantasy world ». 90007 90004 90005 If you like a person, be even more rigorous in evaluation 90006. 90007 90004 The more you like a person the greater is the risk of being manipulated by them. 90007 90004 It’s dangerous to blindly trust a person.A friend of mine was a dedicated fan of an actor. She held him in high regard and had a lot of respect for him. He started to shower attention on her after they met.she obviously was overjoyed .She never suspected that someday she will have to pay the price for this attention or favour.Just like any normal human being she got emotionally attached to him, because he would listen to her attentively, give her his time and sympathy. She already liked him very much, so it took her just a few months to fall deeply in love.It’s when she was head over heels in love that he started to devalue her. She never expected manipulation from him because she thought he earned his status and fame because of his good character. He was above dirty games and trick ordinary men play. But painfully, she discovered that he was below the level of most men and one should not be swayed by the role or status of a person. 90007 90004 If she did not like him so much or felt so much respect for him, it would not have been so easy for him to fool her.So evaluate and be more cautious towards people you like. 90007 90004 There’s nothing wrong with liking someone very much but you should keep in mind that it opens you up to manipulation. If you like someone very much try to check out that they have good character and will not harm you. 90007 90004 90005 Follow the Rule of threes 90006. 90007 90004 If a person lies to you three times or breaks the promise or neglects a responsibility three times. Then you should end your relationship with that person.It’s easier to get out in the beginning of relationship than later when manipulator causes you a lot of harm. 90007 90004 90005 Avoid discussing with others that someone is manipulating you 90006. 90007 90004 Trust your gut response that a person is manipulationg you.don’t listen to friends or colleagues because 90007 90004 1.your friend may not be sincere to you and thus give you wrong advice 90007 90004 2.your friend is sincere but has less experience with the master manipulators 90007 90004 Listen to your heart and gut response.It’s more likely that your gut response is right than any advice given by any friend. Sharing with a family member that you are very close to and trust is better option than sharing with friend.seeking professional help is also good. 90007 .90000 We can not seem to find that page 90001 90002 (* {{l10n_strings.REQUIRED_FIELD}}) 90003 90002 {{l10n_strings.CREATE_NEW_COLLECTION}} * 90003 90002 90007 {{l10n_strings.ADD_COLLECTION_DESCRIPTION}} 90003 {{L10n_strings.COLLECTION_DESCRIPTION}} {{AddToCollection.description.length}} / 500 {{L10n_strings.TAGS}} {{$ Item}} {{L10n_strings.PRODUCTS}} {{L10n_strings.DRAG_TEXT}} 90002 {{l10n_strings.DRAG_TEXT_HELP}} 90003 {{L10n_strings.LANGUAGE}} {{$ Select.selected.display}} 90002 {{article.content_lang.display}} 90003 {{L10n_strings.AUTHOR}} 90002 {{l10n_strings.AUTHOR_TOOLTIP_TEXT}} 90003 {{$ Select.selected.display}} {{L10n_strings.CREATE_AND_ADD_TO_COLLECTION_MODAL_BUTTON}} {{L10n_strings.CREATE_A_COLLECTION_ERROR}} 90015 .